What Happens if Their ‘Safe Place’ Disappears?

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Episode Transcript

With Mother’s Day just passed and Father’s Day around the corner, I’ve been thinking about the very important role a parent plays in a child’s life… and how that role evolves as they grow up, but how they never really stop needing us.
Because whether they’re tiny little babies that need us for literally everything, OR they’re older and somewhat more independent…. the reality is that, for many kids, we’re still their safe place — the person they come to when they’re scared, sick, overwhelmed, or just not sure what to do next.

And that’s why a conversation I had with a former colleague many years ago has come back to haunt me since becoming a mom.

I remember her coming into work one day, still quite shaken up by something that had happened the evening before: She explained that she and her husband had almost been in a really bad car accident – and all she could think about in that moment is what would happen to their baby boy if he lost both of his parents that night. She didn’t even feel sad about the possibility of her own death – it was just “What will our baby do without us to take care of him?”

I didn’t have a kid of my own at that point, and I remember thinking: Well, he’d be raised by his guardians. Simple as that! What I didn’t realize back then was that about half of Canadians don’t have a will – this is according to a survey done by Angus Reid in 2023 which I’ve linked to in this episode’s description. I think it’s probably safe to assume, then, that about the same amount of parents – like, 50% of us! – are also without a will, and therefore probably haven’t selected a guardian for their children.

And honestly, no judgment! I think we parents tend to put this hugely important decision off because it can be really hard to imagine who would be able to replace THE TWO MOST important people in a child’s life. Not because we all think we’re “better” parents than the alternative… but because we just happen to know and love our children best!

I’m ashamed to admit that my husband and I procrastinated over this question for FAR too long. See, we’re in a bit of a unique situation – not only does our son have multiple food allergies that can make mealtime (and life!!) quite challenging, but none of his aunts and uncles even live in Canada.
And honestly, once you start thinking about it, you realize there isn’t always an obvious or easy answer for any family. Everyone has their own version of “complicated”— and in our house, we just happen to have a couple of big ones that made this decision extra difficult.

First of all – it feels like we are asking A LOT of the couple or family who would suddenly have to read every single ingredient label every time they go to the grocery store… OR have uncomfortable conversations with waitstaff at restaurants… OR possibly need to remove some of their favourite foods from their cupboards and their life for safety reasons…
And secondly – we couldn’t imagine shipping our poor boy off to another country right after the trauma of losing both of his parents.
Ugh, it all just sounds so awful. And needless to say, we are very hopeful that this situation never ever plays out.

BUT, because of all of these challenges, my husband and I did also discuss the possibility of naming some close friends as his guardians instead – partly so that he wouldn’t have to travel so far if the worst were to happen… and partly because we shared similar life views and/or parenting styles – but, in the end, we felt that our son should live with family, despite having to leave – not only his home, but his home country.

This was something we went back and forth on for many, many years – and until we had made a final decision, we couldn’t finalize our will. So there you go, we were one of the 50% EVEN THOUGH we were very aware of how important it was to have a will… especially once you have a baby!

Because… did you know that if you DON’T name a guardian for your kids—and you die without a will—the courts could end up being the ones who decide who will care for them? Unfortunately, it’s not as simple as having family members automatically step in to make decisions on behalf of your children IF there’s no will.

This scenario – will or no will – keeps me up at night if I let myself go there (which I try not to do), mostly because I know there’s still a lot I need to do to get organized. For example, if my son’s aunt and uncle DID end up having to raise him, they’d need a lot of instructions on how to keep him safe with all of his allergies. It stresses me out just thinking about it!

That said, I do feel a bit of relief knowing that, as a Serenia Life member, I now have access to a new member benefit called LifeVault, by Empathy. If you tuned into the previous episode of the podcast, you would have heard me and my guest talking about it in quite a bit of detail… but… in a nutshell, the cool thing about LifeVault is that it’s not only a platform that lets you create a digital will, it also acts as a secure “vault” to store your will + other legal documents all in one place. This means that ALL that need-to-know stuff – both about my son’s health needs and my end-of-life wishes – can be kept in one simple place, and then accessed by my executor… or my son’s legal guardians if something happens to me and his dad before his 18th birthday. Knock on wood nothing DOES happen!

So really, I have no excuse now NOT to get things in order. I guess you could say I’m more than halfway there – since my husband and I do have a will! But getting things organized is next on the list.

By the way, I did want to mention that – if you’re the parent of a fur baby – it’s really important to include them in your will too. I’ve heard some really sad stories about elderly people who have died and their pet had nowhere to go but the streets. That said, I once came across this amazing Canadian non-profit called “My Grandfather’s Cat” … which helps rehome pets if their owners are terminally ill OR are too elderly to care for them. (I’ve actually linked to their website in this episode’s description for anyone who would like to learn more – it’s pretty cool!)

On that note, it’s that time in the episode where I sprinkle a little bit of kindness in! Talking about older people and their pets has got me thinking about this program I recently learned about where seniors with dementia are given a robotic cat or dog that can help bring them joy, provide comfort, and even bring back old memories. Let me back up a bit… this is all because my 10-year-old son is doing a research project on how AI pets can benefit humans. He – and we – ended up learning quite a bit about how they can help – not only seniors but also children with ADHD and autism, people with allergies to animals who really want a pet, or people who live alone and are looking for companionship… but don’t have to worry about the cost of pet food or vet bills! I can almost guarantee that that’ll be me when I’m in my 90s… the crazy cat lady with her many robotic cats.

Have you got a moment of kindness to share? Drop it in the comments if you do – I would love to hear about it! Otherwise, see you next time!